If you haven’t read the monstrosity that is A Distorted Teenage Fairy Tale, go get yourself caught up because today we’re going to spend some time pulling it apart. I can feel the cringe levels rising already…
The funny thing about this is that it was supposed to get a sequel called That Annoying Guy From Heavenfield High, which focusses on the main character’s best friend, and then another sequel where the main character breaks up with the reformed jerk CJ and another sequel where she meets a cute exchange student, so all in all it was supposed to be a four part series.
Yeah… that was never going to happen. I gave up writing this one after three chapters, which is probably for the best 😂
All caught up?
Here we go!
“Class, I will now hand you your maths tests face down.” Said Mrs Buckingham as she handed out maths tests. “Don’t turn them over until I say so.” She gave a stern look to everybody in the class and held it at CJ’s direction.
We’ve all had teachers like these, right? Ornery middle aged educators who didn’t seem to like kids, leaving you to wonder why they entered this profession in the first place? While mine was actually pretty chill, I remember a few Mrs (and Mr) Buckinghams during my years at school and while they weren’t this uptight, they came pretty close and nobody liked them.
I also remember reading a lot of middle grade and YA novels featuring teachers like this—it seemed a popular trend for the adults in youth literature to be characterised as overly or unfairly strict and I have to admit, it’s a trope that I still use. That’s not necessarily a bad thing as long as not every adult is written like this.
Unfortunately for this particular novel, EVERY SINGLE ADULT was a crabby, stickler for rules authoritarian who saw the worst in young folks, which is just plain lazy writing.
CJ groaned. He had barely studied for the test and now the old hag was giving him the evil eye.
Ah, another stereotype—the dumb jock.
“CJ! Did you hear what I was saying?” Mrs Buckingham glared at him.
“Yes Miss, you said not to turn the page unless you told us to.” CJ drawled in a monotone. He slumped further down his chair, wishing that the old hag would pick on somebody else.
“No! That was not what I was saying.” Mrs Buckingham said in a shrill voice. Her nostrils flared and her glare intensified. “This testwouldwill take two periods to complete. You may get some scrap paper. Only use a calculator for Section A. DO NOT use it for Section B. You may read a book or draw if you have finished. Do not hand me the test. Raise your hand and I will collect it off you. Do you have any questions?”
You already knew this teacher was a strict one from the opening, I’m practically beating you over the head with it at this point. How many times can a person glare anyway? The test hasn’t even started! Also, I’m not sure the complete details of the test are necessary. All this superfluous detail make for choppy sentences, some of which should’ve been combined or omitted entirely.
For example, all I had to say was, [wc_highlight color=”yellow” class=””]”This test, which is just a way for me to see what you learned last year, will take two periods to complete. Raise your hand when you’re done and I’ll collect it off you. Any questions?”[/wc_highlight]
Keep it simple, stupid!
Three days later…
If you’re going to cut to the next scene, you should find a way to make it flow. The above is a lazy way of doing it and makes the reading experience a jarring one.
“Well done Felix, you’ve got a hundred percent.” Praised Mrs Buckingham, handing him the test results. Carmen gave him the thumbs up. Felix beamed.
“You on the other hand, young man,” Mrs Buckingham walked over to CJ’s table. “Have failed. 4 out of 50, is that the best you can do?”
CJ put on his scowl. So he failed, what’s the big deal? This isn’t the first time he’s failed—shouldn’t the old hag be used to it by now?
First, some formatting issues. Carmen giving Felix a thumbs up should be on its own line. So should Felix beaming. That’s because one character’s actions have ended and anther character’s actions have begun, so that first line should look like this:
[wc_highlight color=”yellow” class=””]“Well done Felix, you’ve got a hundred percent.” Praised Mrs Buckingham, handing him the test results.
Carmen gave him the thumbs up.
Felix beamed.[/wc_highlight]
Second of all, the teacher shouldn’t be yelling out everyone’s test scores to the whole class. That’s something students can share amongst themselves if they want to, but a teacher should never shame a student in front of the class like that.
And LOL at “test results.” That makes it sound like he took an STD test or a blood test and just got his results back… but that might just be how I’m reading into it.
Everyone laughed. Lena put on a big grin and said, “Hey CJ, good going! 4 out of 50, you really passed the test!”
CJ didn’t laugh. “Laugh all you want, but it’s not like you passed too.”
“At least I got more than you.” Lena stuck out her tongue. “Not all of us can be super-nerds like Felix, you know.”
Again, Lena grinning should have its own line.
It’s true that not all of us can be super nerds like Felix, who probably studied really hard, but I’ve never seen an entire class laugh because a student got a stupidly low score on a test before. Most students just don’t care that much about the grades of others unless they’re ridiculously competitive, and especially not in Year 9 where grades aren’t a make or break issue.
Aaaaand the rest of the next few paragraphs focus on CJ’s failing… and his super unrealistic solution to stop failing. Seriously, nobody cares (well alright, maybe the teacher cares. And maybe his parents too). But unless this guy is failing ALL of his classes and desperately needs a better grade to graduate or something, nobody’s really going to give a crap. There’s no reason for this guy to need to get a girlfriend just for this, so the entire premise of this novel is shaky at best, abusive at worst.
And even if for some reason grades are absolutely paramount, keeping in mind that this is a public school (whoops, did I forget to make the distinction? Welcome to crappy writing 101), there are so many ways of getting better grades that sound so much more believable, such as:
- Bullying the smarter kids into doing your homework for you (the most obvious tactic),
- Cheating off the smarter kid sitting next to you during tests,
- Flirting with a nerd who probably has a crush on you (people do weird things for love),
- Striking a deal with a smarter student, e.g. “Teach me how to do maths and I’ll teach you how to talk to girls/play basketball/make friends/get ripped etc.”
Obviously I don’t condone any of the actions above (except maybe the fourth one depending on the deal) but any of them are more believable than forcing someone to be your girlfriend! Less effort is required too.
So here’s where things get a bit awkward: you’re probably thinking this story’s about CJ. Spoiler alert: it’s not. It’s actually about a girl named Maya, but you wouldn’t be able to tell from this chapter alone because guess what, her POV doesn’t start until Chapter Two. You’d even be forgiven for thinking it’s one of those multiple POV stories too, except it’s not. We actually see everything unfolding through Maya’s eyes for the rest of the story!
Okay, that’s it for the first commentary! I hope it was as useful to you as it was for me, and if you made it this far without dying of cringe, you’re already doing better than I am (seriously, I had to stop it here because the rest of it gets worse).
Did I miss anything? Let me know in the comments down below 🙂
[wc_box color=”secondary” text_align=”center” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” class=””]
Liked what you read? Support my work on Patreon!
Want to read more?
Head on over to novels.amethystwrites.com for exclusive content!
[/wc_box]
