Embarrassing title: A Distorted Teenage Fairy Tale
Age when I wrote it: 14
Cringe level: Off the charts

Can you believe this was supposed to get a sequel??? Because I can’t. It’s filled with all the stuff your writing professor told you stay away from—cliches, stereotypes, poorly thought out plots, cheesy dialogue, this story has it all. And it’s only the first chapter!

So, a bit of a background on this cringefest: I started writing this novel (yes, it was supposed to be a novel) on my parents’ old typewriter during the mid-year school break. We had just gotten a new student who was nice at first. Then because of the company he kept as well as peer pressure, he turned into a jerk, which I thought was kind of interesting. Interesting enough to warrant a documentation of, anyway.

To add on to that, my school had one of those social hierarchy things that older YA novels are famous for (it even became a cliche for the entire genre), and this guy’s rapid descent into jerkdom actually raised his stock up several notches, so much so that by his third week here, his friends were already giving him grief about my friend’s supposed crush on him. My friend happened to be a loser like me… thus a distorted teenage fairy tale.

I’ll be back with the commentary next week, but for now, try not to burn your eyes. 😉

Disclaimer: Of course, this isn’t a word-by-word account of what happened. A lot of it is made up, as fiction tends to be. I also don’t support the abusive tactics the boys use to pick up girls in this chapter.

And just in case you missed the Hall of Lame part, this is supposed to be bad (14 year old Amethyst didn’t get the memo, apparently). We’re not dealing with award-winning literature here, people!

A Distorted Teenage Fairy Tale

“Class, I will now hand you your maths tests face down.” Sad Mrs Buckingham as she handed out maths tests. “Don’t turn them over until I say so.” She gave a stern look to everybody in the class and held it at CJ’s direction. CJ groaned. He had barely studied for the test and now the old hag was giving him the evil eye.

“CJ! Did you hear what I was saying?” Mrs Buckingham glared at him.
“Yes Miss, you said not to turn the page unless you told us to.” CJ drawled in a monotone. He slumped further down his chair, wishing that the old had would pick on somebody else.
“No! That was not what I was saying.” Mrs Buckingham said in a shrill voice. Her nostrils flared and her glare intensified. “This test would take two periods to complete. You may get some scrap paper. Only use a calculator for Section A. DO NOT use it for Section B. You may read a book or draw if you have finished. Do not hand me the test. Raise your hand and I will collect it off you. DO you have any questions?”

Li San raised her hand. “How hard is this test gonna be?”
Mrs Buckingham looked her class in the eye. “This is just revision. It should not be very hard. If you had studied like I told you to, you will do fine. Anymore questions?”
No one said a word.

“Alright then,” she clasped her hands. “All I ask of you is that you do your best. And remember, this is only revision. It is to see what you have learnt in Year 8. It is nothing you should stress about.”
Mrs Buckingham took a breath. “However,” she continued. “We have been studying these for almost a month now, and I expect you all to pass.” She paused for effect and looked at her watch. “You may start now.”

Three days later…

“Well done Felix, you’ve got a hundred percent.” Praised Mrs Buckingham, handing him the test results. Carmen gave him the thumbs up. Felix beamed.
“You on the other hand, young man,” Mrs Buckingham walked over to CJ’s table. “Have failed. 4 out of 50, is that the best you can do?”
CJ put on his scowl. So he failed, what’s the big deal? This isn’t the first time he’s failed—shouldn’t the old hag be used to it by now?

Everyone laughed. Lena put on a big grin and said, “Hey CJ, good going! 4 out of 50, you really passed the test!”
CJ didn’t laugh. “Laugh all you want, but it’s not like you passed too.”
“At least I got more than you.” Lena stuck out her tongue. “Not all of us can be super-nerds like Felix, you know.”
CJ managed a tiny smile. Lena’s got a point. Just then, Mrs Buckingham walked over. His face quickly darkened.
“Oh Carmen,” Mrs Buckingham aka the old hag said to his neighbour. “You missed out on the top five by this much.”

Carmen winced.
“All you needed were an extra three marks and you’d be up there!”
Carmen took her results and moaned. “Nooo! I was this close to passing!” She shook her head, refusing to believe the piece of paper.
CJ leaned over and snickered, “Dumbass!”
Carmen glared at him. “You’re one to talk. Just look at your results. Besides, I was this close to passing. This close, can you believe it?!”
CJ said nothing. Why did he always have to fail?

“Bro, I heard the news about you failing the maths test!” Dino punched his right shoulder, grinning.
“Yeah,” Added Ash. “Everyone’s talking about it.”
“Yeah?” Asked CJ with phony casualness.
“Yeah, Lena was talking about it on the way out.” Replied Ash. He ran a hand through his fiery hair and stared at the distance.
“Dude, you should get a girlfriend.” Jason cut in.
CJ was confused. What has a girlfriend got to do with not failing?

“A girlfriend?” Asked CJ, dumbfounded.
“Yeah.” Replied Jason. He was the coolest in the gang. Almost everyone looked up to him, it’s like he’s their captain, their leader. “that’s what keeps us passing.”
CJ scratched his head. “I dunno what you’re talking about, man. What has a girlfriend got to do with passing tests?”

Jason casually slung his arm over CJ’s shoulders. “Ok, you get a girlfriend right, and what does she do? She drools over you, coz you’re so cool. So you get her to do whatever you want her to do. Got me so far?”
CJ slowly nodded his head.
“Ok, so now you’re the boss and she’s the servant. If you hate homework for example, she will do it for you. You get the good marks without doing anything.” Continued Jason.
Suddenly a light bulb flashed over CJ’s head. “I get it! But what do you do if there’s a test?”

Jason chuckled as if it was the most hilarious joke. “You cheat! Y’know, write up cheat sheets, copy?”
“Right!” CJ felt quite dumb. How could he not figure that out?
Jason’s look suddenly darkened. “A word of warning: only choose pretty chicks with a good reputation—no geeks, no retards, and make sure she’s smart, not nerdy. You only go for a chick who will depend on you, so you can treat her like shit, got it?”

“Gotcha man.” CJ answered. In his mind, he was already making a list of girls who would be possible girlfriends. Girls like Lena who was sexy and good company, Shamika who isn’t half bad looking and pretty smart, and Sylvie who keeps staring at him (not bad looking, possibly a nerd).

He made another list, this time of girls who he would not even consider. Chicks like Samantha who was a teacher’s pet, Cynthia who was a total dork, and Annie, that retard who keeps creeping him out. Then there are those chicks who were in between the ones he would choose and the ones he wouldn’t consider. Those would be girls like Sara, who was laidback, Haruko who was so damn pretty but so independent and Maya, the aspiring musician. Hmm… this would be a hard choice.

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