Disclaimer: this is a sarcastic guide. Don’t take it too seriously.
Are your characters too well-rounded? Do they remind readers of real people? Don’t beat yourself up any longer! You too can create characters worthy of eyerolls and groans if you follow this guide!
1. Your protagonist can do no wrong.
Your protagonist is a protagonist for a reason! Don’t dull their shine by giving them flaws. They’re not regular people and as such, shouldn’t be treated like one. Oh alright, if you must give them a flaw, make it a teeny tiny one. Something like their eyelashes are too long, or they’re just a bit too clumsy, or they’re so good-looking everyone can’t help but be jealous of them. Perfect!
2. On the flip side, they can’t do no right either.
Okay, so maybe you’re not interested in going the Mary Sue route. That’s cool. What’s more relatable than a protagonist who just can’t seem to catch a break, am I right?
Maybe they’re an orphan whose parents never loved them, but just before they could graduate from high school, their orphanage burned down and now they’re homeless. Their partner or benefactor kindly took them in but alas, that was not to be either, because they’re now dead. Oh no, who does our hero turn to in their moment of grief?
Hold on a minute. What’s this? We’re now in the midst of war? Our protagonist’s beloved dog was taken hostage by terrorists? Now she’s dead? Oh dear. Now they’re really screwed.
To make matters worse, our protagonist’s arrogance landed them in a world of trouble, and now they have to figure out a way to save themselves and the world. What a burden! But wait, we’re not done yet—just when they’re about to unlock the magic code, their secret great-great-grandfather decides to make an entrance into their lives and drop a bombshell—their parents were never dead at all!
But that’s not a good thing either. Their parents faked their deaths so they could escape justice because they’ve been working for the evil overlord all along! Does our protagonist have no one to trust? Say it isn’t so!
You get the idea.
3. Stereotypes are your friend.
You know what they say—stereotypes have a kernel of truth in them, and since we like being truthful here, let’s load ’em up!
Maybe you have a character who’s a bit too big for her britches, and you don’t want anyone to relate to her at all. No worries! With this patented formula all lazy writers use, nobody will relate to her at all. In fact, nobody will even want to be around her—win/win, am I right?
So here’s how you do it:
First, think of every single offensive stereotype you can. For example, is there an ethnic character in your story? Ham up their ethnic-ness—stilted English, thick accent, any facial/body features that are just so obviously ethnic—and make sure this character’s non-nativeness is mentioned every chance you get.
For extra brownie points, play it up for cheap laughs—minorities obviously aren’t meant to be taken seriously. Duh!
4. Enter the archetype.
Perhaps stereotypes are a bit on the nose. Maybe you don’t want people to know how bigoted you are or you’re just too damn lazy to study real humans (hey, who wants more work, am I right?), so you resort to using the stereotype’s less offensive cousin, the archetype.
In this case, our ethnic character doesn’t have to be a walking billboard for exoticness, but they’re still not, like human or anything. Pffft, minorities as normal? In what world! No, minorities always die to aid the protagonist in his quest, they’re wise teachers or magical helpers, and hey, extra points if the protagonist is in the ethnic character’s land trying to save their civilisation or whatever.
Because you know, ethnic people can’t save themselves from themselves. They’re just too backwards for that. Yay colonisation!
Also, all hookers have a heart of gold, all women are maidens that need to be rescued, all men are tough macho guys who don’t have feelings and shit, all nerds wear glasses, and once the glasses are taken off they’re revealed to be babelicious. Mmm sexy nerds…
5. All the evil guys are just evil.
Like, they’re just evil for no reason. Maybe they were born that way. Or it’s in the genes somehow. They have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and the only reason they exist is so they can be a foil to the protagonist, like they’re obsessed with them or something.
Also, they can’t just be evil. They have to be the epitome of evil. Like bony hands tented over a la Mr Burns, stroking a cat while watching the world burn a la Dr Evil, or whatever obvious signifier of pure evil you can think of. Antagonists just don’t have souls, man.
Bonus points if they’re evil because they’re ethnic/gay/politically different to you etc!
6. Supporting characters whose only jobs are to cater to the protagonist’s every whim.
Obviously you can’t write a novel with only one character, but that doesn’t mean you have to share their world with other characters. These minor co-stars wouldn’t exist without your protagonist after all, so who cares what they do in their off time?
Take our orphan for example. Their benefactor took pity on them and gave them a home, but when this benefactor exhausted their usefulness, they died. There’s just no point in keeping them alive if they’re not going to advance the plot, you know?
Oh, and let’s say our orphan has a partner. Make sure this partner only lives and breathes to serve our orphan’s sexual needs. Every kiss, every romantic overture, every time they have sex, this partner only does it to please the protagonist. They don’t have jobs or aspirations or hobbies of their own or anything—that would defeat the entire purpose they were created, and you just can’t have that!
Same with best friends and enemies. Best friends are only around to fawn over the main character and enemies only exist to hate them greatly. That’s it.
7. Designing a character after someone you know?
Keep them exactly the same. Don’t change their names, don’t alter their appearance, not even one bit, and make sure it’s super obvious to the person that your character is based on them. Ah, maybe not based on per se, as that would be an invitation to litigation, but inspired by. As long as you say they’re inspired by this person, they can no longer sue. That’s how defamation law works, right?
8. Designing a character after yourself?
They say write what you know, and what (or who) do you know best? Yourself, of course! I bet you really love this character, you want your readers to fall in love with this character, and you’re certainly not going to take yourself to court for defamation (you are the author, correct?).
How can you write this character so the audience knows they’re special?
You have to stress just how wonderful this character is. They have all your good traits and none of your bad traits, and if they do, it can be explained away by circumstance or other (less special) characters. Nothing bad ever happens to this character, and if they do, it’s always someone else’s fault.
Maybe they’re also superhuman? They’re the only ones who are magical? They’re the *gasp* chosen one?! Every other character either hates them or wants to be like them? Huh, I guess it’s like point 1 all over again…
Well, I guess that’s all there is. So uh, double tap to show your appreciation, and swipe left for more. Don’t forget to follow me, and since I love you so much, here’s a 20% discount to some coconut water or something. Just use the code AmethystWritesSarcasticGuides and you’re all set! Link in bio.
Oops, wrong medium again…
Are we connected on social? Wait, I’m not on social…
[wc_box color=”secondary” text_align=”center” margin_top=”” margin_bottom=”” class=””]
Liked what you read? Support my work on Patreon!
Want to read more?
Head on over to novels.amethystwrites.com for exclusive content!
[/wc_box]
